Trying to sit

I try to sit every morning but I lack discipline.
I prefer early mornings, after a good shower. At night, I am more prone to fall asleep on the cushion (zafu). Not very productive.
I sit to observe my breath, to see and let go of thoughts, to deal with the pain of sitting.
It is many things or maybe just one thing or maybe nothing.
I guess I'm hoping for complete realization, awakening as it's called, but I know I should hold no such goals, as goals tend to increase the barriers one faces while meditating.
I come into sudden realizations every so often, glimpses into momentary truths. It is as if I ride asea upon a small boat amid a raging storm, only to catch brief sights of land as I crest the waves before sinking back into despair.
But I keep trying, unable to ignore the ever present pull one feels after that first sitting.
It's said that the life not examined is not worth living. I am still trying to live those words.

As it goes

I'm rather excited about finally rebuilding the deck. Something physical to do, the old manual labor which keeps not only the body but also the mind in shape.



I've researched the web, read a lot of material, and laid out the plans. Yesterday I rented a power auger from Home Depot and dug 13 holes in the backyard, to supplement the other 15 or so existing ones. I feel it today; aches and pains all over.



I follow buddhism, mainly zen buddhism, as my means of trying to understand life. It's full of challenges and doesn't impose rigid rules per say. In fact, the more you question and investigate, the better. Emphasis is placed on sitting meditation, where you get to work on quieting the mind to better understand other things happening in and around you. (More on that later).



There are plenty of obstacles to accomplishing this (of course). Time and motivation are the worst culprits. Others include relationships we've built which don't seem to allow such intrusions.



Am I making any sense? This is my first day blogging. Let's see where this goes.